Dealing with a surprise pregnancy

[Trick or BeatHer]

Hi All,
I just found out that I am pregnant, about 7 and a half weeks. I do not want to really tell my friends and team until I am past the 12 week mark. How should I handle derby practice without spilling the beans? Or is it impossible. I have not been injured lately so I can't play on that. Should I still skate and just not be involved in any hitting drills or scrimmaging? Advice from any moms or teamates who've been through this. How hard was it after baby to get back in shape and into the sport.
Thanks!

[Salamanda]

First of all Congratulations
Secondly, is there any way you can beg off due to work/study committments?

[Trick or BeatHer]

I probably could get away with that, but we are a new league and I am helping the referee train our boot camp. I feel so bad to abandon them! The nausea and fatigue are getting to me any way. I know they will see if I can come at leat once a week to help... oh and thanks!

[Salamanda]

Originally Posted by Trick or BeatHer

I probably could get away with that, but we are a new league and I am helping the referee train our boot camp. I feel so bad to abandon them! The nausea and fatigue are getting to me any way. I know they will see if I can come at leat once a week to help... oh and thanks!

If it's going to be difficult maybe you could get the 'flu' or an ear infection that makes you too dizzy to put on skates for a few weeks. That last one happened to me last year (felt like I was permanently drunk for about 6 weeks!). WOuld explain away your tiredness, nausea and reluctance to strap on skates!

[ShellLillian]

You could get sick, or hurt your ankle going up the stairs or something, just bad enough that you can't skate contact or full speed.
Then still go to practice to help, but either stay off of your skates but stay away from other skaters.
OOOORRRRR
find one person higher up on the league that you can really trust, tell him/her, and they can say that they want you coaching for the next few weeks or helping with paperwork, or reffing or whatever.

[Bondagekitten]

congratulations too

The inner ear infection thing or sinus infection is a good way to stay off skates, they can take ages to go away too. Could you lead drills and show techniques etc in trainers? That way you could help out and not worry about being on wheels. Also if they think your sick then if your nausea gets bad when around them they won't think anything of it.

[sin d]

be honest with those that need to know, it is what i would expect from my team mates

[arcadefreaque]

Originally Posted by sin d

be honest with those that need to know, it is what i would expect from my team mates

+10000

[Amefyst]

Originally Posted by arcadefreaque

+10000

Any woman that has had to deal with the pain of a miscarriage will tell you that waiting until the 1st trimester to tell people is a smart move. Many happen in the first few months, and having to tell everyone is a painful thing to do.

If you are legit have nausea, just blame it on that. Then you aren't lying, but are being modest until you are ready to share.

[swolltitan]

Why not just tell them, but ask that they keep it from anyone else you dont want to know?

[arcadefreaque]

Originally Posted by swolltitan

Why not just tell them, but ask that they keep it from anyone else you dont want to know?

Ditto.

Having dealt with this (in the past as the husband whose wife struggled with pregnancy) and currently as a coach with similar circumstances with a teammate... It's tough. I GET that. But if you cannot trust the leadership of your team with this, then there is seriously something wrong with your team and you should probably consider walking away right now rather than go through this difficult challenge with such unsupportive people at your side. (yeah, I know it's tough putting this out there with a risk that its going to be psychologically painful if something happens)
From the team's perspective - you have to let someone know. It's going to be difficult to avoid doing things that could cause you issues otherwise. People will get ticked off because they don't understand why you are behaving the way you are, etc. Worst of all, if you deceive your team, you can never take that back - remember that... really.. remember that.

[Salamanda]

Originally Posted by swolltitan

Why not just tell them, but ask that they keep it from anyone else you dont want to know?

Because some things are simply too private for some people to share. And I do get the whole honesty thing, but I've had a miscarriage before. It was horribly painful and at the time it would have been even more difficult to deal with if people (yes even friends) knew, even if it wasn't a subject they would bring up. Sorry, can't quite put it into words. But if she doesn't feel like sharing it with anyone, and wants to come up with a cover story for the first trimester then that's her business and she shouldn't be made to feel like she's a bad person for doing so.
Plus, people gossip .

[sin d]

Originally Posted by swolltitan

Why not just tell them, but ask that they keep it from anyone else you dont want to know?

that's what my post meant

[BionicBug]

congratulations

either say you're just not feeling great, or the ear infection is a great idea. could also 'twist' your ankle, or even 'strain' your back or something.

I'd stay off skates - even without contact, all it takes is a hard fall - better not to take chances.

if you're in decent shape now, and keep exercising during your pregnancy, you shouldn't have too hard of a time getting back into after baby - and it'll be a nice break for some adult time!

and don't worry about telling people or not - it's your body, your baby, and your decision! I know a lot of people who have waited longer than that to tell people - I personally told people right away - was too excited to keep it a secret, lol!

[Sir SkateAlot]

Try to be honest. If you can't tell why, tell them you have to stop for a while for personal reasons you can only share in a couple of weeks. But don't lie, 'if you deceive your team, you can never take that back'.
You can ask them to keep things for themselves, to be patient and not to insist, but only if you are honest to them.

And congratulations ...

[kittiemiaow]

Hahaha, that's familiar. ^_^ Congratulations!

I found out at about 5 weeks, and felt sick pretty much straight away. Circle work and just general skating the track was really hard for me and I sat out quite a few drills. We had decided not to tell anyone except the coach and our family, and my boss until 12 weeks. (Otherwise hard to explain my sickness lol). Unfortunately someone at work blabbed and we made the decision at 8 weeks to tell everyone so that they heard it from us. Thinking back, I wish we could have kept it secret a bit longer but I was also relieved to tell people.

As for skating, don't let anyone push you into thinking you can't skate. I just acted like I was exhausted and took a really long break for water when we did blocking drills, or drills I knew would result in falling. I also tried asking the coach for help on a particular skill I was having trouble with, or helping fresh meat out. (our league was fairly new too, and had not even bouted at this point)

I skated with medical clearance up until 18 weeks, when I changed doctors and was told flat out that I was not allowed to skate. Teams that have been around for a long time are probably a lot stronger and well knit and accepting, unfortunately when I stopped skating I was met with the odd one or two comments about how i should have stopped skating ages ago because I had risked my childs life (putting it mildly) from my team, that was not very close yet. Always listen to your doctor, not insensitive idiots Another derby girls doctor encouraged her to skate so long as her sense of balance didn't change, she skated til around 32 weeks.

I had to take 6 weeks off before I could skate again (C-section) and am juggling a 4 month old and derby and I love it! Good luck!

[Acid Burn]

Originally Posted by Sir SkateAlot

Try to be honest. If you can't tell why, tell them you have to stop for a while for personal reasons you can only share in a couple of weeks. But don't lie, 'if you deceive your team, you can never take that back'.
You can ask them to keep things for themselves, to be patient and not to insist, but only if you are honest to them.

And congratulations ...

I would be up front honest.

Nobody is going to be cranky because you're pregnant.... things happen. You can still skate (but I believe USARS/WFTDA only allows non contact and no skills) and coach. Honestly, I would be much more appreciative if I were the captain and one of my girls said "hey, I'm pregnant". I wouldn't want to open a new can of worms with insurance issues.

Of course I've never had to deal with this because I'm not skating derby anymore nor do I have or want kids but I'm just giving my two cents worth if it's even worth two cents.

[16blue]

It's your business. You don't have to lie -- just tell them you're going through something personal that you don't feel like sharing right now. That's the truth. If someone told me that, I could respect that.

Personally, I think it's valid that someone wouldn't want to tell anyone until later in her pregnancy. Miscarriages are super hard for a woman to go through, and we all deal with things differently. Maybe some of us would like the support of our derby friends getting through a miscarriage; some of us would rather not.

[Darkjester]

My wife was 8 weeks when we found out she was pregnant (Skated in 2 bouts even & practiced). Once we realized she was pregnant we talked with the Doc and he said 'no contact' (she was a high risk pregnancy), but to continue skating until she felt she needed to stop. He said she'd know when.

She kept up a while until her balance/energy was too affected.

[Acid Burn]

Originally Posted by 16blue

It's your business. You don't have to lie -- just tell them you're going through something personal that you don't feel like sharing right now. That's the truth. If someone told me that, I could respect that.

Personally, I think it's valid that someone wouldn't want to tell anyone until later in her pregnancy. Miscarriages are super hard for a woman to go through, and we all deal with things differently. Maybe some of us would like the support of our derby friends getting through a miscarriage; some of us would rather not.

At the end of the day, it's up to the person whether they want to tell a higher up or not. I'd respect either way, if the person wanted to share with me, great, if not, no biggie.